Even though I started writing here - feeling my time at Barefoot was done - wanting to write more about a different, increasingly important side of my life, I still sometimes hesitate to really just spill it all. I suppose the fact that some days I question my own sanity means it's easy to see others doing the same thing. Ha. I'm not quite clear on why that should bother me though. Or even that it would. One woman's insanity is another's vision. Potayto, potahto.
This year's beginning has been remarkable for me. Heightened intuition; a whole new world of dreams; new messengers and helpers; insights to a truth that I simply wasn't capable of grasping until now...it goes on. And with it all comes more peace than I've known in a long time. Not to say life is easy, but I am able to live it with very little fear and anxiety.
Despite the Siberian temperatures, I had a lovely walk with the dogs yesterday spent making Vine videos of Jackson and thinking about the fact that I have no self. Because that's the kinda gal I am. Technologies magical and non-magical...I love 'em. Where was I? Yes...no self. Not in true separation from all other life. The perception of self serves a purpose and frankly it can be a whole lot of fun but just as we possess the same qualities as the whole, we are the whole.
As a part of the universe, we are made of energetic forces that take physical form when witnessed through our brains. And the non-physical things - the compassion, the love, the joy, the empathy we feel - they are part of the universe too. The creative energy, Life, that drives everything; the intention to perpetuate, improve, adorn, build and nurture. One day that will be studied in our science lessons as indivisible from, and the force that drives what we perceive as the physical world. I do not believe in a personality, an anthropomorphic god or indeed any other kind. I believe in that creative, aware, nurturing force and that we are as much a part and the whole of it as a drop of water is both part of a river, and The River. As a thread is part of a tapestry and The Tapestry.
I'm not very eloquent on this stuff but I feel it. I feel it all the time. I feel it especially strongly when I am able to relax and release my sense of self. Walking in the countryside, the only human form in sight, surrounded by tapestry threads we call plants, trees, birds and water, it is relatively simple to let the imagined edges fade away and just be everything; feel everything. And the more I do it, the easier it becomes to just 'drop into it'.
I don't know how city dwellers manage. I understand the buzz of a city and how attractive that can be. I understand that the tiniest sign of nature can provide a powerful link to Life in a split second. I understand the feeling of being in community with thousands, millions of other human beings all living next to each other like a hive. I get that. I get what a strong feeling that can be but it overwhelms my hypersensitive nature. I could no more release my sense of self in those surroundings than I could stand in front of an oncoming train. Perhaps city dwellers have superstrength and don't need the ideal circumstances that this rookie does.
What I do know is that the water molecules decide where they flow as a river. The threads determine what they depict as a tapestry. And I think we can shape our own experiences the same way once we know how to reach and tap into the creative energy that drives everything. One way to do this is to play with it; call it what you like; see it how you like so that you can mould it. You are the creator and the creation. You want to see the ability to overcome obstacles as an elephant called Ganesh? Go for it! You think it, it happens. You feel the need for some help finding your path, weave in wolf. I have always felt that energy and now I have wolf and crow tattooed into me. I carry scorpion and elk along with red jasper, ruby, turquoise and aventurine.
I use all these things to help me be open, strong and clear in the face of all the muddiness that life in 2013 brings up. I believe the mixture of those threads and mine make something strong and beautiful. Yes I do.